Finding Stiles Sane
by withoutaname
Summary: Stiles is having trouble coping with everything after Allison's death and needs to get away. The pack offers suggestions, but it's Danny's throw-away comment that sparks something. "Go visit Jackson," he says. And it's perfect! Because in London Stiles is free to think about everything he can't in Beacon Hills.


Finding Stiles Sane

**Beacon Hills - USA**

After the death of the Nogitsune and… everything else that happened… Stiles needs some time. Not a lot, he says to his dad, just a couple of weeks. He just needs a couple of weeks away from Beacon Hills and… everything. And everyone.

He doesn't have a lot of family scattered around the country though so the pack all make their offers.

Derek's family has a cabin in Alaska he wants to take everyone too. Well, he would offer, Peter says, if Derek was actually still in Beacon Hills and not off somewhere else. Again. It's apparently his way of coping. Though, no one actually trusts Peter when he tells them this. Stiles is half convinced Peter ran his claws through Derek's back and just hid the body really well. It's always a possibility.

Chris Argent suggests that Stiles accompany him and Isaac on their... journey. Stiles doesn't want to think about why they're leaving town for a bit. At the end of everything he'd been fine, and it had lasted all of a day and then he'd cracked about his role in everything. _He doesn't want to think about it_.

The biggest surprise comes from Deaton, who Stiles still isn't sure he trusts but is willing to listen to because Scott does trust the man. Deaton knows an emissary a few states over who is willing to train a prodigy. Stiles immediately refuses. He doesn't want to be the emissary to any other pack. Hell, he doesn't want to be an emissary, period!

Lydia and Kira don't have any ways to comfort Stiles. Kira is awkward around Scott, conscious of just what he's lost, and she's still stiff around her mother, who is apparently really, really, really old. She has her own problems, and Stiles doesn't want to add to them.

Lydia is a wreck and he feels hollow every time he looks at her.

Scott tries. He really does. He plays x-box with Stiles, and he brings Stiles out of so many panic attacks it's a new record. Stiles just can't look at his best friend without an overwhelming amount of guilt. He has a theory that Scott's presence triggers more panic attacks than not.

In the end it's Danny (who is actually not really talking to anyone anymore) who makes the perfect suggestion.

"Go visit Jackson," he says one day.

Stiles had been sitting in the library, staring at nothing and trying not to think too heavily about anything. Danny had stopped next to Stiles' table, told him he looked like hell, and then told him to leave the country.

It was perfect.

Stiles asks his dad that afternoon once they're both home. His dad is, understandably, quite reluctant. Isn't Jackson the kid who filed the restraining order against you? How will you pay for your flights? What about school? Will Jacksons' parents be okay with this? Doesn't he still have a restraining order against you?

Stiles smiles and nods and his sighs.

"Ah, hell," he mutters and makes a few phone calls.

Stiles leaves a week later and promises he'll be back in two weeks. Lydia slaps his cheek and then kisses him on the worst of the red mark. She asks him to give that to Jackson for her. Stiles nods quickly and privately swears not to.

**London - England**

Jackson is there to meet him at the airport, which is both awesome and very awkward. The airport is enormous and confusing and Stiles would worry about getting lost, because he just wants to crash onto the nearest soft surface and sleep for a year. But Jackson is there, and he guides Stiles out of the place like a pro.

It's awkward, though, because _Jackson's there_ to meet him at the airport.

He even offers to carry Stiles' bags. Stiles gleefully dumps his bags into the other boys arms and falls asleep on the train to Jackson's townhouse. Jackson shakes him awake a minute before they reach their train stop and Stiles struggles to his feet and follows Jackson out of the station.

He doesn't notice much about the apartment. It's beautiful and small, and it has a fireplace. Stiles sleeps another 4 hours on the couch without bothering to change.

When he wakes, his shoes are off and there's a blanket thrown over him. Stiles wonders if Jackson has a maid or butler that took care of him, or if Jackson actually deigned to removing Stiles' shoes himself. He decides not to ask and instead curls more tightly into a ball and falls back asleep.

It's all he does for three days, before Jackson has enough.

Stiles sleeps. He sometimes eats. He doesn't shower, and when Jackson's friends (none of whom are were-creatures of any sort) come to visit there are sideways glances and whispers, but nothing more.

It's not what Stiles was expecting.

To be honest, he's not entirely sure what he was expecting.

The first 3 days of his time in London are not it though.

Jackson can actually cook. Stiles would ask him about it, if Jackson learnt since he's been in London. Or maybe it was a skill he'd already had in Beacon Hills.

Jackson wants to talk. He wants to talk about Lydia, and Danny and Scott and Derek. Mostly he wants to talk about Allison. Stiles doesn't.

_He doesn't want to think about it._

Jackson has enough of Stiles. He manhandles Stiles into some clean clothes (and wasn't that a weird and uncomfortable experience) and pushes Stiles out the door. Jackson even drags Stiles down the street with a hand on him wrist.

Stiles has no idea what's going on. He doesn't ask.

Later, he'll wonder if this was significant.

For now though, he has a pack on his back, a ticket in his hand and Jackson is rushing him onto a train. Jackson mutters something about depression to the ticket inspector when Stiles is slow to hand over his ticket to be checked, and Stiles ignores him. Or rather, Stiles fails to find the energy to care.

Jackson spends the hours long train ride on his phone. He's texting someone and Stiles would ask who (demand, really) but the countryside is beautiful and he can sit a little taller the further out of London they go.

**Pembroke - Wales**

They get off the train for the final time in a place called Pembroke. Pembroke is tiny. It has a castle. Stiles itches to research something for the joy of researching, for the first time in weeks.

Jackson disappears the next morning before Stiles wakes up. Stiles panics and thinks about calling Scott as he counts his fingers. He decides not to after he counts 10.

Jackson walks back into their small hotel room and throws three books on Stiles' bed. Stiles starts and slowly glances from Jackson (who he would love to punch right now) to the books. He then stares at Jackson, and then the books, and then Jackson.

Jackson exhales and turns and walks out again.

Stiles reaches for the first book at a glacial pace.

When Jackson walks in a second time, with something that smells delicious and makes Stiles stomach cramp, Stiles is cross referencing between two of the books. Jackson smiles fleetingly and places a pastry next to Stiles hand.

Stiles eats the pastry without thinking.

They stay in Pembroke 4 days.

Stiles starts eating again. They go and visit Pembroke castle. Jackson starts telling Stiles about his life in England now. Stiles showers and he insists on visiting Carew Castle.

Stiles almost feels guilty that after their visit he babbles all the way back to the hotel. He's happier than he has been for a long time.

**London - England**

Jackson's friends are actually kind of cool, Stiles decides. They take him to a local pub where the bar tender ignores their ages, and Stiles gets a little drunk. Jackson stays close to him the whole evening, and if Stiles says something related to the supernatural world once or twice, Jackson brushes it off as 'Stiles is mental'.

Stiles doesn't want to think about how accurate that statement is.

He's taken to a local park and taught how to play 'real' football. He hates it. He loves it. It's awesome, but doesn't have enough violence for him. So the next day Jackson takes him to the same park and they throw lacrosse balls at each other until they're bruised.

That night Stiles cracks and sobs silently and yells ferociously. Jackson doesn't comfort him. He doesn't try to calm Stiles down, nor does he try to reason with him.

Jackson lets him break an expensive vase ("Oh thank god, I hated that stupid vase"). Jackson lets Stiles throw his bedroom upside down and sideways and diagonal ("Keep it up. I'll put the new bedframe on my parents' card"). He lets Stiles throw anything that reminds him of Allison out the back window and into a small courtyard ("What on earth does the silverware have to do with anything?").

Once Stiles has stopped rampaging and verbally flagellating himself, Jackson hands him an x-box controller and tugs him to sit on the couch with the rips from the broken china. Stiles stops talking. Jackson starts.

"I don't know why you're acting like you killed her," he says. "You couldn't have saved her."

Stiles grunts.

"Shut up, Stilinski," Jackson snaps. "I know what I'm talking about! I was a kanima remember? Matt had me kill people. I know exactly what you're going through."

"You do, do you? Yeah, well, you never killed one of your friends," Stiles mutters darkly.

Jackson laughs bitterly. "I paralysed you and Derek, I killed all the people at the police station, I tried to kill Danny. Gerard made me kill myself," he whispers.

Stiles walks away.

This is why he came to Jackson. _He's free to think about it._

Even if he says Jackson doesn't know what he's talking about, Stiles knows the other boy does. He _knows_ what it's like to have all your control taken away from you. He _knows_ what it's like to wake up the next morning and have no idea what is happening to you.

A part of his mind whispers that he could have talked to Lydia. Lydia knows what it's like to be possessed. She doesn't know what it's like to be forced to hurt and kill people.

Jackson does.

**Beacon Hills – USA**

The goodbye is as awkward as a wolf dancing an Irish jig. Jackson hugs him a little too tightly, a little too long, and Stiles isn't completely sure why.

His dad isn't there to meet him when he lands. Scott is though, so is Derek and Malia. Stiles hugs all 3 of them and carries his own bag to Derek's car.

He doesn't talk on the way home, he stares mostly out the window. When Scott mentions that Stiles smells of pack he starts to pay attention, and he even asks questions about pack. Derek says that if Scott and Jackson consider themselves pack then it's no wonder Stiles still smells of pack even if he's been gone so long. Scott says he hopes Jackson comes back one day.

Stiles thinks Jackson should stay in London. He was more relaxed and let Stiles trash his apartment and get to know his friends and he bought Stiles books.

Jackson should definitely stay in London.

Maybe Stiles should have too, because the following 4 months are hard on everyone.

Jackson emails him on Facebook, and Stiles sends one or two sentence replies back. Mostly he asks questions about what Jackson is doing, what University he is applying for (Oxford), and he avoids talking about anything too heavy.

Sometimes he'll mention a thing they've had to deal with: assassins, revengeful were-creatures, Scott losing it, Deucalion coming back, a creature that looks like a vampire but might have been a succubus (but in the end it doesn't matter, because Kira chops the damned things head off and Stiles burns the body until it's ash).

Sometimes he'll mention something personal. He's applying at Berkley, Stanford, Harvard, Oxford, Cambridge and several others. He tells Jackson he's reading a new book. He mentions architecture and religion and the production of fabrics.

He doesn't tell Jackson about the blank look in Scott's eyes, how Lydia sometimes shuts them out for days. He doesn't tell Jackson how bad things have gotten, because things start to get better.

Stiles starts to write longer emails less frequently, but still often, and he starts to include stories of day-to-day events. Scott trips on the lacrosse field when Isaac laughs at a joke Malia tells. Kira kisses Scott in front of the entire school and Lydia wolf-whistles.

He realises after a month of this that he misses Jackson.

So Stiles starts saving and working extra hours for his dad in the filing room at the station (they're still short staffed). He lets Jackson know the dates of his flights and ignores the questioning glances from _everyone_. If he wants to visit Jackson he will!

Jackson takes a week to reply to his last message and Stiles starts to question if he'll be welcomed back in London. He's not dumb. He recognises why he's so anxious to hear a yes or no from Jackson. He has nearly 10 years of experience from his unrequited love for Lydia to draw from (and boy had a few conversations with Caitlin been unsurprising, yet eye-opening).

Jackson tells Stiles to bring pop-tarts and Reese's.

Stiles smiles.

**London – England**

Jackson meets him at the airport again. It's both awesome and awkward. Stiles still thinks he'll get lost until Jackson leads him out, and Stiles wants nothing more than to suck on Jacksons bottom lip. The subsequent blushing makes things awkward Stiles thinks.

Jackson doesn't offer to carry his bags again. He does sling an arm around Stiles' shoulders and leads him through the airport and onto the train. It's not as awkward as Stiles thought it might be.

He doesn't fall asleep on the train, and he doesn't fall asleep on the couch. He does take his bag into Jacksons room and claim one side of the bed. Jackson follows him and lies on the second side. It's not awkward for a second.

Stiles falls asleep while Jackson reads one of the books Stiles had recommended. When he wakes he's curled around Jackson.

Nothing really happens for the 3 weeks Stiles is with Jackson over the mid-year break. They touch a little more frequently and sometimes those touches linger, but other than sleeping next to each other nothing really changes.

Stiles is a little more himself. Jackson groans about Stiles' babbling more than ever, but he smiles when Stiles bitches about the most inane of topics ("But why is bubble and squeak named bubble and squeak?")

He still zones out sometimes though. He still wakes a couple of times from nightmares and makes Jackson count fingers with him. He throws out the silverware again when he finds it.

When Stiles leaves after this trip a couple of Jackson's friends come with them on the train to say goodbye. He's like Ste and Mark and Tony. They're good friends for Jackson, and they seem to find Stiles funny. He hugs everyone goodbye and is embarrassed when the 3 Englishmen all make different excuses to disappear while Jackson and Stiles say goodbye ("I gotta go to the loo"; "Is that Martina over there?"; "I should… I'll just… Err…").

Jackson shakes his head and when he hugs Stiles, he rubs his nose against Stiles cheek so briefly Stiles isn't sure it actually happens.

"Get better," Jackson says.

Stiles shrugs. "I'm fine," he replies. Jackson raises an eyebrow and blows out a breath.

"Stiles," Jackson says in that tone which means 'stop bullshitting me, you're starting to piss me off'.

Stiles rubs his nose against Jackson cheek and then presses the lightest kiss to the corner of Jacksons mouth. "I'll see you soon," he says.

**Beacon Hills – USA**

"You stink of Jackson," Scott says. "Are you wearing his clothes or something?"

Stiles shrugs and realises that yes, he is actually. He must have picked up one of Jackson's sweaters by accident. Stiles starts to sleep in Jackson's sweater. No one mentions it again.

Stiles dad mentions an endless stream of bills one day. Stiles is messaging Jackson on his laptop when his dad sits on his bed and quietly say his name. His dad calmly explains how the fees of the MRI and from Eichen House are expensive, and that they're struggling to pay.

Stiles nods and deletes his message to Jackson.

Stiles starts using his pay checks from his odd jobs (assignment editing, tutoring and filing at the sheriff's office) to help pay for his medical bills. Things get easier, but Stiles doesn't know how to tell Jackson he can't afford to visit again.

Eventually (after many angry messages from Jackson), Stiles blurts out the whole story on Skype. _He tells Jackson everything_. Jackson grows pale and shouts for a long time at Stiles. He's angry Stiles didn't tell him sooner. He's angry because Eichen House sounds so horrible, is so horrible, and the thought of anyone he knows in a place like that is distressing.

He's angry, he tells Stiles, because Stiles doesn't have to always fly to England. Jackson can fly back to America and visit his parents, Danny, Lydia, Scott, and Stiles.

Stiles yells back, because Jackson could have told him sooner and saved him stress. Jackson smirks and taunts that now Stiles knows how it feels. Stiles then starts laughing and calls Jackson an idiot and tells him "I'll see you soon."

Stiles is happier after that. He even starts talking to the school counsellor about Allison. And Jackson, and how much Jackson has helped him. He doesn't tell anyone else about his not-friendship-thing with Jackson though. He thinks it'll be perfectly clear they're _something_ when Jackson arrives.

**Day 1**

He flies in on a Tuesday and his dad is there to pick him up. He doesn't want to see his dad though, he wants to see Stiles. It's been about 7 months since they've been face to face and Jackson really wants to touch him. Not even sexually, he just really misses Stiles.

Nothing has changed at home. His room is still his room, his parents are still his parents, and when Danny comes over to say hi, Danny is still Danny.

Sure Danny has a few more stories about bad things happening in Beacon Hills than before, but he's mostly still the same. They talk, joke around, watch a movie and Danny grills Jackson about his love life.

Jackson tells him about Stiles.

Danny doesn't believe him.

**Day 3**

He finally has time to see Stiles.

They've been texting back and forth frantically for the past two days. His parents take time off from work to spend 'quality time' with him, so Jackson feels stuck in a prior commitment. Stiles says he understands, but Jackson knows they're both frustrated.

Danny and Lydia have been over again too. It's not weird with Lydia. They've had over a year and a half to be over each other and it's worked. They're friends again.

Lydia doesn't believe him about Stiles either.

It's okay though, Stiles says later that day when they're sitting on his couch watching a B-grade courtroom drama film. Lydia and Danny and everyone else will get it eventually.

Jackson smiles and throws his arm around Stiles' shoulder.

"They'd better," he says.

**Day 7**

They don't do anything other than hold hands and hug a lot. It drives Stiles crazy.

When his dad leaves for work (he has the 9-6.30 shift), Stiles texts Jackson and tells him to get out of whatever he's doing and come see him now.

Jackson shows up 15 minutes later, freshly showered and half asleep.

Then he sniffs the air and his eyes widen.

Stiles pulls Jackson through the house, to his bedroom and kisses him awkwardly against the door. He doesn't know where to put his hands, isn't sure if it's different with a guy, if Jackson will like the same things the girls he's made out with did.

Jackson moans, though, and pulls Stiles closer with his hands on Stiles' hips. Stiles throws his hands to Jackson's biceps and lets them wander.

They make it to the bed, eventually. Then they make out and experiment and talk for the rest of the day. After the first 20 minutes, it's no longer awkward.

Stiles introduces Jackson to his dad as his boyfriend that night.

His dad frowns and shakes his head. "You're not gay," he says.

"I'm not," he agrees. "But I could be," Stiles counters in a parody of a previous conversation.

Jackson frowns and Stiles grabs his hand under the table.

"We're together, dad."

Stiles' dad watches them a beat longer and then shrugs. "Okay. Just no more restraining orders, for the love of god."

**Day 18**

The pack knows.

They don't say anything though.

They talk about Jackson and Stiles. Kira thinks they're sweet. Scott thinks one or both of them are being possessed. Danny's still not talking to anyone except Lydia, and he only talks to her when they're with Jackson. Lydia doesn't know what to think.

She knows sexuality is fluid. She knows they have similar experiences no one else in the pack can understand. She knows she never seriously considered Stiles as a boyfriend. She knows she and Jackson just didn't work as a couple, she was too obsessed with image and he was too obsessed with perfection.

She isn't sure why it bothers her then.

Derek says maybe Lydia is bothered because the pack knows, but no one has seen them together.

The pack stalks them.

They stay downwind of Jackson, so he can't smell them. They follow the pair from Stiles' house, to a bookstore where Jackson buys a book Stiles is madly passionately in love with.

"I enjoyed the other ones you recommended," Jackson says. "I'm sure I'll like this one too, so calm down already."

Kira chuckles and calls them cute. Lydia frowns and contemplates Jackson reading for pleasure. It is something she has never been able to convince him to do.

They follow Jackson and Stiles to the mall and into a jewellery shop. They all watch from the food court as Stiles picks out a necklace with an arrow on it.

Scott's jaw drops and Lydia glances from Stiles to Scott several times.

"What is it?"

Scott shakes his head. "He bought a necklace with an arrow on it," he says faintly.

"I know," Lydia says impatiently. "Isaac already described the necklace."

"It's made of silver," Scott says with that same faint voice.

Lydia is silent.

**Beacon Hills - USA**

Jackson flies back to London in the morning and Stiles is quiet for the rest of the day. He's quiet for the remaining holidays and he's quiet for what feels like the entire first semester. The pack doesn't worry. They know he still talks frequently to Jackson.

"I'm going to learn archery," Stiles says one day at lunch.

Lydia chokes on her food. "What?"

"Mr Argent will teach you," Isaac says. "He's already teaching me."

"Dude, you're learning archery?" Scott asks. He didn't know. He wonders sometimes just how good of an Alpha he actually is if he doesn't know something like a pack member learning archery.

"Yeah. For 3 months now," Isaac mumbles.

"Good," Stiles says. "I want to remember Allison this way." His voice is steel and desperate and Scott hugs him just as desperately.

"Okay," Scott mumbles. "Okay, I think that's a good idea."

"What happened to the necklace?" Lydia asks.

Stiles freezes and silently high-fives himself. He knew they were being followed that day, he just knew it! He is excited to rub it in Jacksons face, and makes a mental note to send him a message as soon as he's finished eating.

"Jackson has it," Stiles says.

He'd bought it for Jackson as a reminder of everything Jackson tells him. Being possessed and controlled by someone else means you're not responsible for what happens while you're possessed and controlled. Unless you can prevent being possessed and controlled, it's not your fault.

Neither of them could have prevented it.

So Stiles sometimes sends Jackson photos of things and quotes to remind him. He knows Jackson struggled with his guilt as much as Stiles still does.

Stiles knows he send the photos to Jackson because it's really a reminder to himself.

The Nogitsune was not his fault. There was nothing he could do.

He still doesn't look at silver though.

The necklace is actually stainless steel.

**Stanford - USA**

Stiles isn't accepted to any universities in England. Jackson is. Jackson is also accepted at Stanford. They apply to live together in an apartment just across the road from the University.

They make plans and Jackson flies back to America and they buy furniture together.

Stiles smiles and laughs and makes friends at Stanford.

Jackson finds a group especially for werewolves to meet and joins.

Stiles joins the European football team and a group specifically for people who like battling mythical creatures in an online gaming community.

Jackson calls him a geek and Stiles retaliates by removing the spark plugs from Jacksons Porsche. Jackson yells and Stiles laughs and their were-creature friends shake their heads when Jackson bounces off the mountain ash Stiles threw around himself.

"Ha! Spark skills for the win," Stiles boasts.

Jackson growls and they laugh it off later and the sex is fantastic.

They still fight and yell more than they should. They learn over time how to live together and not fight over the stupid things (like who actually left the fridge door open and now every thing's off).

Stiles still counts his fingers sometimes though, and Jackson can't be friends with anyone named Matt.

But, when Lydia and Derek and Scott and Kira and Isaac come for a long weekend Stiles makes them all dinner. Jackson spoons the pasta into bowls for everyone and pulls 4 loafs of garlic bread from the oven. Lydia and Kira critique the wall paper on the kitchen walls and drive everyone insane.

Stiles sets the table, but runs out of clean forks. He starts opening and closing drawers until he finds the cutlery Jackson's mother gave them over Christmas. He lays the cutlery on the table and complains, loudly, about how Jackson's mother is obsessed with cutlery.

Jackson says that his mother only buys them so many cutleries because she knows Stiles threw the entire cutlery set in London out the window. Twice.

The pack smiles as they eat and joke with each other.

The cutlery is pure silver.


End file.
